maybe i was made this way
wretched and wanting,
angry and anxious—

or maybe he made me

prudish and pleasing
too nervous to say no
too smart to take it seriously.

who is to blame
when ignorance is ignorance
and bliss is bliss

(the blame, oh, the blame)

when no man is my salvation
and no god is actually that good?

do you believe?
do you believe me now?
do I believe me now?

do I believe?

how am I supposed to believe
when I can’t remember

only the bedspread
only the color of your curls
only the shame in the shower
only that I didn’t have that much to drink

does it please you now?
do I please you now?
may I please you now?
does this please you now?

I cannot say I ever did;
I did say no
I did say never.

I didn’t know how to leave.

am I safe yet?
am I safe yet?
am I safe yet?

can I ever be safe?
have i ever been?

toxic and troubled
spirit-dry and starving

I diluted my desires, and
I swamped myself

so the ghosts he carried,
so the ghosts he cast into my veins
in blood and in semen
couldn’t destroy me from within

and ignorance is ignorance

drowning in distraction
in debt
in despair
I hadn’t seen how much of him
had become all
of me

but i see it all from here;
i see myself from here:

like the stargazer venus,
borne up on ancient hands
I stretch towards the skies
greater than god and more gracious too

the universe shimmers inside my belly

and bliss is bliss

how wide can I be
can I stretch—to open,
arch my spine
to meet both sides of this brilliant beyond?

can I encompass all of me,
all of it,
all of you
all of us

the lovers, the lovers, the lost and the lonely:
the holders, the breakers;
those who sing and survive.

the sensation slithers up my spine
supine
I pine for it, I pant for it.
I pray, I pray

I am the dwelling place of the divine
and in my ecstasy
i rise

god is god
god is good
good is good

‍ ‍i am good

and there I find what he forced inside of me:
i bring it death

i partake of it
and
the knowledge becomes me

i shake out what doesn't serve me
i become the silence in the night.

pressed together, palm to pussy
I find my own center
I take in pleasure from tooth to tail
I become it, I become it, I become it

and bliss is this:

I clench it;
I clench it.
Cunt first, I come alive

vulgar and venerable
determined and divine
I pulse power into every small space within

I climax and I cry:
I breathe, I believe, I am born, and I die.